Where am I now

I am sorry I haven't kept this blog updated but life takes in many different ways. Over the last 8 months I have been very busy. We ended up doing a DE cycle and I am now 29 weeks pregnant with our son. I also did some bloggin with www.conceiveonline but now I just blog on my new personal blog. If you are still interested in following my story you can follow me at http://donordiva.blogspot.com.

Terrible week with the perfect ending

I have to say this has probably been the worst week I have had in a long time. This is saying a lot since we have been through a lot in our infertility journey. The week started with me insisting that DH fax in his blood work to my RN to make sure we could get our donor password by the end of the week.

Tuesday I call my RN to double check that she has everything. She never called me back. Wednesday rolls around and I call again to double check. She calls me back in the afternoon and I don't get the message till 4pm. She tells me that they don't have my pap results. WTH? I call the Drs office where I had it done and they just refer me to the Drs voice mail and I leave a message.

Thursday started off terrible because I was full of anxiety. It was hard to function. Thank goodness for my students and teaching they were a great distraction. I still didn't get a response from my Dr about the pap results. To top this all off I find out another one of my co-workers is pregnant and on my way home from work my car starts acting up. After talking to my brother it sounds like my transmission is going out. So now I am not only worried about donor password, paying for a donor cycle but now also possibly having to get a new car.

The weekends today with me calling my RN and they still don't have my pap results. I call the Drs office again and finally talk to someone and they tell me my results are normal and they don't give you result if they are normal. WTH...I told the Dr that the results needed to be faxed to my RN. So I tell the person on the phone that they need to be faxed to my RN. I called my RN and told her she should expect my results and ask her to please call me if there were any other problems.

At this point I am not expecting to get my password till Monday. To my surprise while I was eating lunch in the teacher lounge my phone rang and it was the RN with my password!!! This made my day and I have almost forgotten all the bad of the week. I am so glad we got the password today because that means that DH and I can pick a donor this weekend. Things will finally be moving again!!!

God and Donor Eggs

Over the past couple weeks since we made the decision to go ahead with donor eggs I have been having a hard time dealing with this at church. The funny thing about this is everyone I have talked to at church has been very very supportive. As I told one of my friends at church, "I feel like this the most judgemental part of my life." My fear is being judged by the congregation and having them think that I am committing a sin to bring a baby into this world. I am probably overreacting but who knows. I know in the catholic religion that any ART procedure is look down upon. With donor egg I am at the extreme end of ART procedures. How will my brothers and sisters in Christ react to this?

For the second time at church I opened up to someone and was talking to them about this. I was telling her that I feel 100% comfortable with my decision to use donor egg but I just feel so uneasy at church. Why at church? I guess this stems from a religious support board I was posting on for a little while. At that point I was looking to grow the connection between God and myself through this infertility process. I was searching for women like myself dealing with this who had a strong faith in God.

During the summer I attended a fertility retreat about using acupuncture, meditation, herbs, yoga, and other changes to help concieve a child. These are all things I have used to help my body. While I was there NBC and the Today Show did a short little segment on it and I was very excited to participate. I have almost always been open about my infertility so why not share it with everyone.

Well I posted the link to the show on this support board and I was amazed by the negative response I got to the use of acupuncture and yoga. Yes I know they are principles based on budism. The thing is while I am using these techniques I am not worshipping budda but I am using them to help assist with the process. I got a lot of hateful messages about how I was going to hell because of these things. The funniest thing about it is our god is a forgiving god. Also who wouldn't offer these options to us if they weren't helpful. I was losing my mind dealing with my infertility before I discover acupuncture. All my emotions were stuck inside held in.

Back to my congergation, I believe that experience has scared me to feel comfortable sharing my infertility with them. Some might think I don't deserve my own children or that I should adopt. They also might think why go to such extremes. I was thinking about this as I sat in church. God made science and I am going to use it, whether people agree with my decision or not. My husband and I are the ones that need to be comfortable with donor eggs not the rest of the world.

In some ways this answers my questions I have been having about who to tell and who not to tell. At this moment I am firmer in my decision to be open and honest with everyone about donor eggs. We all have a purpose and living through infertility is one of my purposes. Well not just living through it but living through it and sharing with others. Infertility is a rollercoaster and it is harder to deal on your own. Then donor egg is a whole extra bag. I would like someone to come talk to me and ask me about this whole process.

Update on our process: Right now we are in a waiting pattern. DH and I have finished all of our tests needed to get our donor password. We are just waiting for my DE RN to get all the information and then give us the password. It looks like we might have to wait awhile to start a cycle. We are sharing the eggs with 2 other people so we have to wait for them to sign on with our donor before we proceed with a cycle. At this point I am hoping for July. Then happy birthday to me in August to FINALLY be pregnant.

All about me

Over the last year I have changed everything: my eating, my exercise, and many other things. For the first time in a very long time I am doing things just for me. After another very disappointing IVF I have been eating whatever I wanted. Well we all know what that means when you eat WHATEVER you want. This last week I added exercise to my list of things I am going more now. During all this TTC stuff I haven't been running, not that I ran before but that is a big no no of Infertility. Last week I started interval training for a 5K. It is a 10week program and I just finished week 1. I have to say thank you to PodRunner Podcast because without it I wouldn't be able to do it.

Things are moving

So yesterday I went and had my blood work done. I really have no idea what test they were doing but I know they are just the routine test to make sure I don't have any big issues other then the Infertility. It is getting really exciting because now all I have to get done now is a pap. At first my Dr couldn't see me until March 31st and that seemed so far away. So, I decided to call around and see if I could find someone who could see me sooner. Well, I was lucky and found someone to see me on Monday. After the pap Doug needs to do his blood work and then we get our donor password. Then after we have the password we can officially pick our donor. I am a little afraid that it will take a long time to get all the cycles lined up. It would be really nice to squeeze a cycle in soon before the summer.

WE ARE APPROVED!!!

I think the one thing I was most worried about with this whole donor egg process was paying for it. With all the TV talk about how it is harder to get loans really had me worried. We have always had decent credit but I was unsure. So today I finally applied and it was APPROVED!!! So one more step done. Now DH and I have to do some blood work and I have to get a pap. After all those things are done we get our password and pick our donor!!! YEAH!!!!

To tell or not to tell?

DH and I did our required counseling for our donor eggs. I guess they want to make sure we aren't crazy like "Octo mom." I am so amazed at how my clinic handles this things. They do the counseling to make sure you are dealing with everything. For my infertility buddies you all understand the ups and the downs. It is the first time in my treatment that someone has asked me if I was ok with this. For the first time since I started this process I am truly OK.

Ok now here is the real reason for this post. I have been debating whether just to disclose to everyone or just keep it between friends and family. This is actually a hard decision for me because I very open and honest about our infertility. The difference here is that it isn't my eggs. After I left counseling today I was set on sharing and especially for the reasons of helping other women dealing with infertility and specifically how we came to the decision of donor egg.

Will people actually treat my children differently because they are the product of donor? DH and I were talking in the car and he was telling me how this makes our children even more specially. We made the choices and picked you out of so many possible children. When I think about it that way how can I not share? I am just worried about those mean people in the world or people who are against donor eggs. Why should I miss out on the experience of carrying my own child because I have bad eggs? It is an amazing gift we are being given.

The Big Appointment

I know I was all excited for this appointment today but I have to say it wasn't as exciting as I thought it was going to be. It is always amazing to me how I take a half day off for about 15-30 minutes with my RE. It would be nice if they could have their schedule fit mine for such a short amount of time. Oh well it was worth it :o)

So we did the mock transfer, checked my lining, and checked my tubes (I think). As always my uterus looked beautiful. After we were done with the mock DH and I went to REs office. We talked with him about Donor Egg cycles. He explained everything to us, it was amazing how easy all of this went. I also asked one last time about my eggs. At this point I am 100% sure that I am done with IVF with my eggs. He said that not matter if we do IVF or TTC naturally our chances are about the same at 1-2%. That was all I needed to hear. It is truly time to move on to better options.

I have a perfect uterus!!!

I am so excited!!! Since we started this whole process the REs and the DRs always said how beautiful my uterus was. I know that sounds weird but honestly that is what they said. Today I went in for my blood work and ultra sound to see how my body responded to the mock cycle. This morning they checked my lining and it looked GREAT!!! This afternoon I got the call that my blood work came back just how they wanted it too. It is so reassuring that my body is doing this right and does exactly what it is suppose to do.

Tomorrow is the big appointment with my RE. We are meeting to discuss donor eggs and what that all entails. I am very excited!!! I have to say I am starting to have some reservations about doing this right away. Over the last year I have changed almost everything in my life to try to make a baby with my eggs. For the first time in a year or longer I have been able to drink guilt free. No, I don't drink every day but it is nice to enjoy a drink and not worry about "Am I pregnant."

There is no need to worry about this stuff yet since I am sure we will have to wait a little bit to take care of the financing of the donor cycle and wait for the donor to be ready. It is still possible to have a 2009 baby but at this point it is starting not to matter. I know now what I have to do to start my family. Wish us lots of luck on our appointment. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow after we get back.

Estrogen or am I Happy?

So today is the first day that I have felt truly happy in a long time. Yes, I know that sounds weird but it is true. You could say today was any normal day but I also enjoyed teaching today. For the first time in months or maybe a year I got down on the floor with my students and actually taught a lesson to my 1st and 2nd graders. I guess I wonder if it is the weight lifted off of me from the decision of donor eggs or the estrogen that I am taking for my mock cycle. Yesterday at acupuncture we were discussing the different fake hormones and my acupuncturist said that most people are happier on estrogen.

DH and I had some nice time together today also. I have realized that sex has taken a whole new meaning now. There is pretty much no chance of natural conception for us. So the whole reason for me having sex since I was a little kid was to have babies. How weird that won't ever happen? It is like all the presure for sex is gone it is now just about DH and I. Who knew? It is just such a weird concpet to me. I have to thank my very concervative parents for instilling there christain values so well, that sex equals babies. Now for us it doesn't equal babies it has to do with the depth of our relationship. I have to say today I feel closer to DH then I have ever felt. I know of many husbands who would tell their wives no to the idea of donor eggs but mine all he says "I want you to be happy!" Thank you DH for being the best ever and supporting me where ever this journey takes us!!!

THINGS ARE MOVING

Today I called to make my appointment for my mock embryo transfer. When I orginally talked to the RN I was under the impression that I could do it in the morning as part of my blood work and ultra sound. It turns out the soonest they can do a mock embryo transfer is 9am. To bad my first class starts at 10am and I wouldn't be able to make it on time. Normally I would just take a day off but I have 2 and 1/2 left so I am saving them. Also, I found out my old RE was the one doing the procedures that morning and he is the LAST person I wanted to see. I called my RN back and was praying that my RE could do it as a part of my appointment on Thursday. Luckily he is squeezing me in and I am very grateful.

Today I had a revelation. I was talking to one of my support mates and she is currently pregnant with donor sperm. I was expressing some of my concerns about donor egg and feeling like a failure. After posting back and forth a few time something she said hit me. Ever since that moment I have not doubted my decision to go ahead with donor eggs. I have also come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to use donor eggs from either of my sisters. Originally that was our first choice but my sisters aren't available right now and I have waited long enough. I know to some people a year isn't a long time but another year of the Infertility Journey sounds unbearable.

So in general today was a very productive day!!! I am really getting excited about having a baby and getting started with our first donor egg cycle.

Picking a Donor

Sometimes I can't believe I am to this point in our TTC path. It seems like such a short time ago we went and saw the RE for the first time. Yesterday I officially started my mock E cycle to see how I respond to the estrogen. It is really weird because I have never done two cycles back to back before. I haven't given my body a break but I think it is different since I am not creating the eggs this time around.

A few days ago I started looking at the donors online. It is amazing how many wonderful women there are out their willing to donate their eggs to women like myself. But how do you pick? Who is the right one for you? Today I had my dad email me some baby pictures so I could compare them to the women who are donating. All it made me think about is how I really wanted one of my sisters but I would have to wait another year for them. For someone who has already been waiting almost 3 years now, another year feels like an eternity.

Today the question is louder...WHY ME?

Another Failed IVF onto Donor Eggs

Well, I feel like a blogger slacker right now. At least I have the excuse that I was going through another IVF. In January we did our second IVF with a totally different protocol and things were looking pretty good. They retrieved 6 eggs and 2 of them fertilized. Egg transfer was actually an ordeal because the RE that did it told me that I should wait and see what happens to them. He also told me that if I did get pregnant with these eggs that most likely I would have a miscarriages. WHAT AN ASS!!! He also reminded me of the fact that I am 28 and my eggs shouldn't be doing this. Well duh, I know that already otherwise I wouldn't be doing IVF right now. I would be a home taking care of my baby and be pregnant with my second by now.

Monday Feb 9th we got the news that it didn't work. Luckily we had a plan so it wasn't as bad as last time. After we got the news I knew I didn't want to go through that again with my eggs and made the decision that it was time to move onto donor eggs. I was getting excited again and made phone calls to get the ball rolling. I talked to my RE and he guaranteed me that this way I would get pregnant. There are few negatives about donor egg: 1. it isn't me 2. it is really expensive 3. insurance doesn't pay for it and 4. I feel like a failure.

We have come to terms with 1-3 but the feelings of a failure as a women are becoming stronger. I feel like we need to get moving with this faster so that the hole in my heart doesn't get any bigger. I am sure once I had my baby in my arms it wouldn't matter to me anymore how we got this baby. I am so ready....now making sure we can pay for it.

How is it fair that we have to go into debt to have a baby when other people just have to look at each other and get pregnant?

How did I get here?

The past year I have been spending my time and money taking care of my body in hopes that it would improve my egg quality and we would have our own little miracle. I can't believe I am ready to give this up but it has felt so good to be a normal person and not worrying what I am putting into my body as much as before. So, after 2 failed IVFs with my eggs I am ready to move onto donor eggs. Sometimes I am super excited and other times I feel like a failure. Why would a man want a women who can't have bio children?