Over the past couple weeks since we made the decision to go ahead with donor eggs I have been having a hard time dealing with this at church. The funny thing about this is everyone I have talked to at church has been very very supportive. As I told one of my friends at church, "I feel like this the most judgemental part of my life." My fear is being judged by the congregation and having them think that I am committing a sin to bring a baby into this world. I am probably overreacting but who knows. I know in the catholic religion that any ART procedure is look down upon. With donor egg I am at the extreme end of ART procedures. How will my brothers and sisters in Christ react to this?
For the second time at church I opened up to someone and was talking to them about this. I was telling her that I feel 100% comfortable with my decision to use donor egg but I just feel so uneasy at church. Why at church? I guess this stems from a religious support board I was posting on for a little while. At that point I was looking to grow the connection between God and myself through this infertility process. I was searching for women like myself dealing with this who had a strong faith in God.
During the summer I attended a fertility retreat about using acupuncture, meditation, herbs, yoga, and other changes to help concieve a child. These are all things I have used to help my body. While I was there NBC and the Today Show did a short little segment on it and I was very excited to participate. I have almost always been open about my infertility so why not share it with everyone.
Well I posted the link to the show on this support board and I was amazed by the negative response I got to the use of acupuncture and yoga. Yes I know they are principles based on budism. The thing is while I am using these techniques I am not worshipping budda but I am using them to help assist with the process. I got a lot of hateful messages about how I was going to hell because of these things. The funniest thing about it is our god is a forgiving god. Also who wouldn't offer these options to us if they weren't helpful. I was losing my mind dealing with my infertility before I discover acupuncture. All my emotions were stuck inside held in.
Back to my congergation, I believe that experience has scared me to feel comfortable sharing my infertility with them. Some might think I don't deserve my own children or that I should adopt. They also might think why go to such extremes. I was thinking about this as I sat in church. God made science and I am going to use it, whether people agree with my decision or not. My husband and I are the ones that need to be comfortable with donor eggs not the rest of the world.
In some ways this answers my questions I have been having about who to tell and who not to tell. At this moment I am firmer in my decision to be open and honest with everyone about donor eggs. We all have a purpose and living through infertility is one of my purposes. Well not just living through it but living through it and sharing with others. Infertility is a rollercoaster and it is harder to deal on your own. Then donor egg is a whole extra bag. I would like someone to come talk to me and ask me about this whole process.
Update on our process: Right now we are in a waiting pattern. DH and I have finished all of our tests needed to get our donor password. We are just waiting for my DE RN to get all the information and then give us the password. It looks like we might have to wait awhile to start a cycle. We are sharing the eggs with 2 other people so we have to wait for them to sign on with our donor before we proceed with a cycle. At this point I am hoping for July. Then happy birthday to me in August to FINALLY be pregnant.
Juliet is 10weeks old today!~
10 years ago
4 comments:
I totally understand your feelings. I also wonder about how some people in my church would react to us doing infertility treatments, and we are by no means using "extreme" measures.
In fact, one of the main reasons I haven't told people at work about what I'm going through is because I teach at a private Christian school, and there are a few people there who have some pretty strong archaic opinions on some touchy concepts.
We're not Catholic, we're Christian Reformed, and the church itself does not hold a position against fertility treatments (or even birth control, for that matter). The Catholic Church is still extremely backwards in many ways. But still, some people believe things just because it's so easy for them to stand on their high horse when they know nothing about the situation.
For example, about a month ago my family was all together talking about Octomom. And my grandfather said "Whatever happened to people just getting pregnant naturally?" And one of my aunts said "But what about people who can't?" He just threw his hands up in the air and made a noise that meant "Then they shouldn't get pregnant."
Thanks a lot.
It's hard enough to share about infertility without worrying that people are going to start telling you that you shouldn't be doing fertility treatments.
For what it's worth, you are NOT going to hell for using fertility treatments or TCM. I don't understand where some Christians get off thinking these things.
You're absolutely right - our God is a loving and forgiving God. But I in no way think that God thinks he needs to "forgive" you for using science and TCM to get pregnant. He had in mind who your little baby was going to be right from the very beginning, and he knew the road you were going to have to take to get there. No human being is a mistake, and neither is creating one through ART.
Hey Suzie Q-
I agree with a lot of what Lauren said. You are not going to hell for using DE or having fertility treatments, none of us are. People who judge others are the ones that need to ask forgiveness. As far as how your church feels about your decisions, (this may be bold) do you feel your church is the right fit for you? Just a question to think about. All churches aren't always a perfect fit but one that meets most of what you're looking for and feel at home. But sometimes we out grow a church or realize it's not really the right fit.
I have tried to protect myself along the way of having people judge me, feel sorry for me, and talk about me. Recently I got stung big time and it makes me step backwards and wish I'd never told anyone when we were thinking of starting to TTC or about anything. And the girl that stung me was a good friend who overheard the name of our RE practice when my DH let it slip by accident when telling a story totally non-fertility related. It hurt me big time and as much as I want to help others, I'm not ready yet. Maybe you need a little waiting time too?! Who says we have to be the strongest people when going through fertility challenges, why can't we be the example after we've overcome the challenge or when we're ready? Maybe that will be helpful in you figuring out how to move forward with sharing. I want to share too but now is not my time to share.
Anyway, Lauren is right....God knew the path you'd go down, and God will bless you with children. He knows this path, and will use you to help others just as you've explained. You're going to be a great mom and teacher.
Hugs. :) Kitty
Kitty, I think the fear steams from the previous experience on a christian TTC support board. The few memebers of my church I have talked to have been very understanding.
At acpuncture yesterday I was talking to her about this. She said, "You don't have to tell everyone right now." I know I want to be open and honest about my IF but I guess with the extreme of DE I want to take it in baby steps.
I am currently going through the process of choosing a donor egg. I am only 36 and have none.. I have finally found a site where someone is going through what I'm going through. Thank you for sharing.
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