God and Donor Eggs

Over the past couple weeks since we made the decision to go ahead with donor eggs I have been having a hard time dealing with this at church. The funny thing about this is everyone I have talked to at church has been very very supportive. As I told one of my friends at church, "I feel like this the most judgemental part of my life." My fear is being judged by the congregation and having them think that I am committing a sin to bring a baby into this world. I am probably overreacting but who knows. I know in the catholic religion that any ART procedure is look down upon. With donor egg I am at the extreme end of ART procedures. How will my brothers and sisters in Christ react to this?

For the second time at church I opened up to someone and was talking to them about this. I was telling her that I feel 100% comfortable with my decision to use donor egg but I just feel so uneasy at church. Why at church? I guess this stems from a religious support board I was posting on for a little while. At that point I was looking to grow the connection between God and myself through this infertility process. I was searching for women like myself dealing with this who had a strong faith in God.

During the summer I attended a fertility retreat about using acupuncture, meditation, herbs, yoga, and other changes to help concieve a child. These are all things I have used to help my body. While I was there NBC and the Today Show did a short little segment on it and I was very excited to participate. I have almost always been open about my infertility so why not share it with everyone.

Well I posted the link to the show on this support board and I was amazed by the negative response I got to the use of acupuncture and yoga. Yes I know they are principles based on budism. The thing is while I am using these techniques I am not worshipping budda but I am using them to help assist with the process. I got a lot of hateful messages about how I was going to hell because of these things. The funniest thing about it is our god is a forgiving god. Also who wouldn't offer these options to us if they weren't helpful. I was losing my mind dealing with my infertility before I discover acupuncture. All my emotions were stuck inside held in.

Back to my congergation, I believe that experience has scared me to feel comfortable sharing my infertility with them. Some might think I don't deserve my own children or that I should adopt. They also might think why go to such extremes. I was thinking about this as I sat in church. God made science and I am going to use it, whether people agree with my decision or not. My husband and I are the ones that need to be comfortable with donor eggs not the rest of the world.

In some ways this answers my questions I have been having about who to tell and who not to tell. At this moment I am firmer in my decision to be open and honest with everyone about donor eggs. We all have a purpose and living through infertility is one of my purposes. Well not just living through it but living through it and sharing with others. Infertility is a rollercoaster and it is harder to deal on your own. Then donor egg is a whole extra bag. I would like someone to come talk to me and ask me about this whole process.

Update on our process: Right now we are in a waiting pattern. DH and I have finished all of our tests needed to get our donor password. We are just waiting for my DE RN to get all the information and then give us the password. It looks like we might have to wait awhile to start a cycle. We are sharing the eggs with 2 other people so we have to wait for them to sign on with our donor before we proceed with a cycle. At this point I am hoping for July. Then happy birthday to me in August to FINALLY be pregnant.

The Big Appointment

I know I was all excited for this appointment today but I have to say it wasn't as exciting as I thought it was going to be. It is always amazing to me how I take a half day off for about 15-30 minutes with my RE. It would be nice if they could have their schedule fit mine for such a short amount of time. Oh well it was worth it :o)

So we did the mock transfer, checked my lining, and checked my tubes (I think). As always my uterus looked beautiful. After we were done with the mock DH and I went to REs office. We talked with him about Donor Egg cycles. He explained everything to us, it was amazing how easy all of this went. I also asked one last time about my eggs. At this point I am 100% sure that I am done with IVF with my eggs. He said that not matter if we do IVF or TTC naturally our chances are about the same at 1-2%. That was all I needed to hear. It is truly time to move on to better options.

I have a perfect uterus!!!

I am so excited!!! Since we started this whole process the REs and the DRs always said how beautiful my uterus was. I know that sounds weird but honestly that is what they said. Today I went in for my blood work and ultra sound to see how my body responded to the mock cycle. This morning they checked my lining and it looked GREAT!!! This afternoon I got the call that my blood work came back just how they wanted it too. It is so reassuring that my body is doing this right and does exactly what it is suppose to do.

Tomorrow is the big appointment with my RE. We are meeting to discuss donor eggs and what that all entails. I am very excited!!! I have to say I am starting to have some reservations about doing this right away. Over the last year I have changed almost everything in my life to try to make a baby with my eggs. For the first time in a year or longer I have been able to drink guilt free. No, I don't drink every day but it is nice to enjoy a drink and not worry about "Am I pregnant."

There is no need to worry about this stuff yet since I am sure we will have to wait a little bit to take care of the financing of the donor cycle and wait for the donor to be ready. It is still possible to have a 2009 baby but at this point it is starting not to matter. I know now what I have to do to start my family. Wish us lots of luck on our appointment. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow after we get back.

Picking a Donor

Sometimes I can't believe I am to this point in our TTC path. It seems like such a short time ago we went and saw the RE for the first time. Yesterday I officially started my mock E cycle to see how I respond to the estrogen. It is really weird because I have never done two cycles back to back before. I haven't given my body a break but I think it is different since I am not creating the eggs this time around.

A few days ago I started looking at the donors online. It is amazing how many wonderful women there are out their willing to donate their eggs to women like myself. But how do you pick? Who is the right one for you? Today I had my dad email me some baby pictures so I could compare them to the women who are donating. All it made me think about is how I really wanted one of my sisters but I would have to wait another year for them. For someone who has already been waiting almost 3 years now, another year feels like an eternity.

Today the question is louder...WHY ME?

Another Failed IVF onto Donor Eggs

Well, I feel like a blogger slacker right now. At least I have the excuse that I was going through another IVF. In January we did our second IVF with a totally different protocol and things were looking pretty good. They retrieved 6 eggs and 2 of them fertilized. Egg transfer was actually an ordeal because the RE that did it told me that I should wait and see what happens to them. He also told me that if I did get pregnant with these eggs that most likely I would have a miscarriages. WHAT AN ASS!!! He also reminded me of the fact that I am 28 and my eggs shouldn't be doing this. Well duh, I know that already otherwise I wouldn't be doing IVF right now. I would be a home taking care of my baby and be pregnant with my second by now.

Monday Feb 9th we got the news that it didn't work. Luckily we had a plan so it wasn't as bad as last time. After we got the news I knew I didn't want to go through that again with my eggs and made the decision that it was time to move onto donor eggs. I was getting excited again and made phone calls to get the ball rolling. I talked to my RE and he guaranteed me that this way I would get pregnant. There are few negatives about donor egg: 1. it isn't me 2. it is really expensive 3. insurance doesn't pay for it and 4. I feel like a failure.

We have come to terms with 1-3 but the feelings of a failure as a women are becoming stronger. I feel like we need to get moving with this faster so that the hole in my heart doesn't get any bigger. I am sure once I had my baby in my arms it wouldn't matter to me anymore how we got this baby. I am so ready....now making sure we can pay for it.

How is it fair that we have to go into debt to have a baby when other people just have to look at each other and get pregnant?