God and Donor Eggs

Over the past couple weeks since we made the decision to go ahead with donor eggs I have been having a hard time dealing with this at church. The funny thing about this is everyone I have talked to at church has been very very supportive. As I told one of my friends at church, "I feel like this the most judgemental part of my life." My fear is being judged by the congregation and having them think that I am committing a sin to bring a baby into this world. I am probably overreacting but who knows. I know in the catholic religion that any ART procedure is look down upon. With donor egg I am at the extreme end of ART procedures. How will my brothers and sisters in Christ react to this?

For the second time at church I opened up to someone and was talking to them about this. I was telling her that I feel 100% comfortable with my decision to use donor egg but I just feel so uneasy at church. Why at church? I guess this stems from a religious support board I was posting on for a little while. At that point I was looking to grow the connection between God and myself through this infertility process. I was searching for women like myself dealing with this who had a strong faith in God.

During the summer I attended a fertility retreat about using acupuncture, meditation, herbs, yoga, and other changes to help concieve a child. These are all things I have used to help my body. While I was there NBC and the Today Show did a short little segment on it and I was very excited to participate. I have almost always been open about my infertility so why not share it with everyone.

Well I posted the link to the show on this support board and I was amazed by the negative response I got to the use of acupuncture and yoga. Yes I know they are principles based on budism. The thing is while I am using these techniques I am not worshipping budda but I am using them to help assist with the process. I got a lot of hateful messages about how I was going to hell because of these things. The funniest thing about it is our god is a forgiving god. Also who wouldn't offer these options to us if they weren't helpful. I was losing my mind dealing with my infertility before I discover acupuncture. All my emotions were stuck inside held in.

Back to my congergation, I believe that experience has scared me to feel comfortable sharing my infertility with them. Some might think I don't deserve my own children or that I should adopt. They also might think why go to such extremes. I was thinking about this as I sat in church. God made science and I am going to use it, whether people agree with my decision or not. My husband and I are the ones that need to be comfortable with donor eggs not the rest of the world.

In some ways this answers my questions I have been having about who to tell and who not to tell. At this moment I am firmer in my decision to be open and honest with everyone about donor eggs. We all have a purpose and living through infertility is one of my purposes. Well not just living through it but living through it and sharing with others. Infertility is a rollercoaster and it is harder to deal on your own. Then donor egg is a whole extra bag. I would like someone to come talk to me and ask me about this whole process.

Update on our process: Right now we are in a waiting pattern. DH and I have finished all of our tests needed to get our donor password. We are just waiting for my DE RN to get all the information and then give us the password. It looks like we might have to wait awhile to start a cycle. We are sharing the eggs with 2 other people so we have to wait for them to sign on with our donor before we proceed with a cycle. At this point I am hoping for July. Then happy birthday to me in August to FINALLY be pregnant.

The Big Appointment

I know I was all excited for this appointment today but I have to say it wasn't as exciting as I thought it was going to be. It is always amazing to me how I take a half day off for about 15-30 minutes with my RE. It would be nice if they could have their schedule fit mine for such a short amount of time. Oh well it was worth it :o)

So we did the mock transfer, checked my lining, and checked my tubes (I think). As always my uterus looked beautiful. After we were done with the mock DH and I went to REs office. We talked with him about Donor Egg cycles. He explained everything to us, it was amazing how easy all of this went. I also asked one last time about my eggs. At this point I am 100% sure that I am done with IVF with my eggs. He said that not matter if we do IVF or TTC naturally our chances are about the same at 1-2%. That was all I needed to hear. It is truly time to move on to better options.

I have a perfect uterus!!!

I am so excited!!! Since we started this whole process the REs and the DRs always said how beautiful my uterus was. I know that sounds weird but honestly that is what they said. Today I went in for my blood work and ultra sound to see how my body responded to the mock cycle. This morning they checked my lining and it looked GREAT!!! This afternoon I got the call that my blood work came back just how they wanted it too. It is so reassuring that my body is doing this right and does exactly what it is suppose to do.

Tomorrow is the big appointment with my RE. We are meeting to discuss donor eggs and what that all entails. I am very excited!!! I have to say I am starting to have some reservations about doing this right away. Over the last year I have changed almost everything in my life to try to make a baby with my eggs. For the first time in a year or longer I have been able to drink guilt free. No, I don't drink every day but it is nice to enjoy a drink and not worry about "Am I pregnant."

There is no need to worry about this stuff yet since I am sure we will have to wait a little bit to take care of the financing of the donor cycle and wait for the donor to be ready. It is still possible to have a 2009 baby but at this point it is starting not to matter. I know now what I have to do to start my family. Wish us lots of luck on our appointment. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow after we get back.

Siblings

So, I am excited to that DH and I are going to be God Parents to my new little nephew. It really feels good to be chosen. It is like my sister K recognizes the mother in me that is dying to come out. Well my brother P just told my sister A that she is going be the God Mother of the twins. Honestly where did this come from? I think the thing that makes me mad is that she texts me and asks me if I am jealous. What do you say to that? Yes? No? What I am jealous of is the fact that they are parents and I am still waiting. Don't get me wrong I love them all but sometimes they make me so ANGRY!!! Live the last 2+ years in my shoes and see how you feel about all of this. I wish they understood.

More Baby Bellies

DH (Dear Husband) and I took a trip to Florida this weekend for a friends wedding. We got in late on Thursday night. Friday was our free day and we went to the beach. It was a lot of fun to put my feet in the sand and swim in warm water. After the afternoon at the beach DH went to the rehearsal and I got ready at the hotel. When he got back he pulled me aside and said, "______and his wife are pregnant." My heart sank, I am feeling a little weak in my strength this week. This is due to my younger sister giving birth to her son this past week. Part of me wished he hadn't told me.

We got to the rehearsal dinner and as I am composing myself right in front of me are two pregnant women. Both of them looked so happy with their husbands and engaged in conversation. If this had happened a few months ago I would have been ok but today it hurt to look at their pregnant bellies. All I can think is that this should be me, I should be ready to pop at this point. I asked DH to go and get me a drink, so I drank my troubles away. I don't drink very often so this was sooo out of character. I have to say that it helped with my pain for that night but it didn't take it away.

Saturday was the wedding, DH and I got the church just in time for him to take his groomsmen pictures. I end up talking to one of the musicians wife's. She was very nice and had a very simular dating story to me and DH. But of course the kids question came up. I have decieded to take the response of, "It is up to the big guy upstairs when we are so blessed with children." I will usually get the "Oh" and then they leave it alone. If they want more of course they can ask. She didn't take it any farther. Well, we went out to go get seated and of course who are the people handing out programs, none other then the two pregnant bellies from the rehearsal dinner. The other wife asked them how far along they were, while I just ignored their bellies because all I felt was jealousy.

All in all it was an ok weekend and I did enjoy Florida. I just feel so bad that I reacted to the news so badly. I wish so badly I could have gotten past myself and talked with the two pregnant ladies, but I just couldn't. I wonder who is next, is it me finally or do I get to watch more strangers and friend have what I so desperately want.