The Big Appointment

I know I was all excited for this appointment today but I have to say it wasn't as exciting as I thought it was going to be. It is always amazing to me how I take a half day off for about 15-30 minutes with my RE. It would be nice if they could have their schedule fit mine for such a short amount of time. Oh well it was worth it :o)

So we did the mock transfer, checked my lining, and checked my tubes (I think). As always my uterus looked beautiful. After we were done with the mock DH and I went to REs office. We talked with him about Donor Egg cycles. He explained everything to us, it was amazing how easy all of this went. I also asked one last time about my eggs. At this point I am 100% sure that I am done with IVF with my eggs. He said that not matter if we do IVF or TTC naturally our chances are about the same at 1-2%. That was all I needed to hear. It is truly time to move on to better options.

I have a perfect uterus!!!

I am so excited!!! Since we started this whole process the REs and the DRs always said how beautiful my uterus was. I know that sounds weird but honestly that is what they said. Today I went in for my blood work and ultra sound to see how my body responded to the mock cycle. This morning they checked my lining and it looked GREAT!!! This afternoon I got the call that my blood work came back just how they wanted it too. It is so reassuring that my body is doing this right and does exactly what it is suppose to do.

Tomorrow is the big appointment with my RE. We are meeting to discuss donor eggs and what that all entails. I am very excited!!! I have to say I am starting to have some reservations about doing this right away. Over the last year I have changed almost everything in my life to try to make a baby with my eggs. For the first time in a year or longer I have been able to drink guilt free. No, I don't drink every day but it is nice to enjoy a drink and not worry about "Am I pregnant."

There is no need to worry about this stuff yet since I am sure we will have to wait a little bit to take care of the financing of the donor cycle and wait for the donor to be ready. It is still possible to have a 2009 baby but at this point it is starting not to matter. I know now what I have to do to start my family. Wish us lots of luck on our appointment. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow after we get back.

Estrogen or am I Happy?

So today is the first day that I have felt truly happy in a long time. Yes, I know that sounds weird but it is true. You could say today was any normal day but I also enjoyed teaching today. For the first time in months or maybe a year I got down on the floor with my students and actually taught a lesson to my 1st and 2nd graders. I guess I wonder if it is the weight lifted off of me from the decision of donor eggs or the estrogen that I am taking for my mock cycle. Yesterday at acupuncture we were discussing the different fake hormones and my acupuncturist said that most people are happier on estrogen.

DH and I had some nice time together today also. I have realized that sex has taken a whole new meaning now. There is pretty much no chance of natural conception for us. So the whole reason for me having sex since I was a little kid was to have babies. How weird that won't ever happen? It is like all the presure for sex is gone it is now just about DH and I. Who knew? It is just such a weird concpet to me. I have to thank my very concervative parents for instilling there christain values so well, that sex equals babies. Now for us it doesn't equal babies it has to do with the depth of our relationship. I have to say today I feel closer to DH then I have ever felt. I know of many husbands who would tell their wives no to the idea of donor eggs but mine all he says "I want you to be happy!" Thank you DH for being the best ever and supporting me where ever this journey takes us!!!

THINGS ARE MOVING

Today I called to make my appointment for my mock embryo transfer. When I orginally talked to the RN I was under the impression that I could do it in the morning as part of my blood work and ultra sound. It turns out the soonest they can do a mock embryo transfer is 9am. To bad my first class starts at 10am and I wouldn't be able to make it on time. Normally I would just take a day off but I have 2 and 1/2 left so I am saving them. Also, I found out my old RE was the one doing the procedures that morning and he is the LAST person I wanted to see. I called my RN back and was praying that my RE could do it as a part of my appointment on Thursday. Luckily he is squeezing me in and I am very grateful.

Today I had a revelation. I was talking to one of my support mates and she is currently pregnant with donor sperm. I was expressing some of my concerns about donor egg and feeling like a failure. After posting back and forth a few time something she said hit me. Ever since that moment I have not doubted my decision to go ahead with donor eggs. I have also come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to use donor eggs from either of my sisters. Originally that was our first choice but my sisters aren't available right now and I have waited long enough. I know to some people a year isn't a long time but another year of the Infertility Journey sounds unbearable.

So in general today was a very productive day!!! I am really getting excited about having a baby and getting started with our first donor egg cycle.

Picking a Donor

Sometimes I can't believe I am to this point in our TTC path. It seems like such a short time ago we went and saw the RE for the first time. Yesterday I officially started my mock E cycle to see how I respond to the estrogen. It is really weird because I have never done two cycles back to back before. I haven't given my body a break but I think it is different since I am not creating the eggs this time around.

A few days ago I started looking at the donors online. It is amazing how many wonderful women there are out their willing to donate their eggs to women like myself. But how do you pick? Who is the right one for you? Today I had my dad email me some baby pictures so I could compare them to the women who are donating. All it made me think about is how I really wanted one of my sisters but I would have to wait another year for them. For someone who has already been waiting almost 3 years now, another year feels like an eternity.

Today the question is louder...WHY ME?

Another Failed IVF onto Donor Eggs

Well, I feel like a blogger slacker right now. At least I have the excuse that I was going through another IVF. In January we did our second IVF with a totally different protocol and things were looking pretty good. They retrieved 6 eggs and 2 of them fertilized. Egg transfer was actually an ordeal because the RE that did it told me that I should wait and see what happens to them. He also told me that if I did get pregnant with these eggs that most likely I would have a miscarriages. WHAT AN ASS!!! He also reminded me of the fact that I am 28 and my eggs shouldn't be doing this. Well duh, I know that already otherwise I wouldn't be doing IVF right now. I would be a home taking care of my baby and be pregnant with my second by now.

Monday Feb 9th we got the news that it didn't work. Luckily we had a plan so it wasn't as bad as last time. After we got the news I knew I didn't want to go through that again with my eggs and made the decision that it was time to move onto donor eggs. I was getting excited again and made phone calls to get the ball rolling. I talked to my RE and he guaranteed me that this way I would get pregnant. There are few negatives about donor egg: 1. it isn't me 2. it is really expensive 3. insurance doesn't pay for it and 4. I feel like a failure.

We have come to terms with 1-3 but the feelings of a failure as a women are becoming stronger. I feel like we need to get moving with this faster so that the hole in my heart doesn't get any bigger. I am sure once I had my baby in my arms it wouldn't matter to me anymore how we got this baby. I am so ready....now making sure we can pay for it.

How is it fair that we have to go into debt to have a baby when other people just have to look at each other and get pregnant?

How did I get here?

The past year I have been spending my time and money taking care of my body in hopes that it would improve my egg quality and we would have our own little miracle. I can't believe I am ready to give this up but it has felt so good to be a normal person and not worrying what I am putting into my body as much as before. So, after 2 failed IVFs with my eggs I am ready to move onto donor eggs. Sometimes I am super excited and other times I feel like a failure. Why would a man want a women who can't have bio children?